As I remember it, the first of these shows that I noticed was Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs. As the frontrunner of this 'genre' of television programming, I honestly think they should have stopped while they were ahead. I mean, what's not to like about Dirty Jobs? Mike Rowe is incredibly clever, every show is different, and what's not to like about a QVC-host/Opera singer?
This relative peace and calm was not to last however, and as TV producers are prone to do, they decided where one is good, more is better. This thought spawned shows such as Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, Axe Men, and Swamp People. (Please note I'm indiscriminantly jumping between the History Channel and the Discovery Channel). The greatest of these abominations both belong to the History Channel though...
Pawn Stars and American Pickers...
I just shivered a little. That's how much I detest the people who came up with the idea to put these people on camera, the crew who manage to live with themselves after knowingly facilitating the distribution of these shows, and most of all... the pickers and pawn stars themselves.
Alright, so there they are. No, I didn't know all their names off the top of my head but after about twenty minutes with google and Microsoft Paint, I'll be able to put some names to my complaints.
Let's start with Pawn Stars. First of all, let me start by saying that in no way do I oppose the business they've started or the way they've chosen to make money. HOWEVER, I am still unable to watch this show without my blood pressure rising, being overcome with rage, punching things, and sarcastically yelling at the TV despite my rational mind telling me that they can't hear me. To stay organized, I'll go through this person by person.
Old Man: Despite being a hundred you seem to have most of your faculties. You appreciate a good car. You don't take them young whipper-snappers' crap. You even purchased some cowboy dummies on a whim. Despite all of this, you really do complain a lot. You're probably entitled to it- heck, you've been in charge of things since Al Capone got locked up in Alcatraz, but I still can't understand a word you say. You're guttural moaning is incessant and bothersome, please stay off of television.
Rick: Alright, you've got a pretty cool name. If I were an action-adventure hero, not dissimilar to Indiana Jones or Dirk Pitt (the one from the Clive Cussler books, not Matthew McConaughey's theatrical portrayal), then I'd like to think my own name would be Rick, but it really comes down to one thing- your laugh. It's wheezy, it gives me heartburn, and it sneaks out of your esophagus all the freaking time! Whenever I hear that high-pitched-smoker-laugh I can't help but do my best to imitate you until I'm rolling on the floor coughing uncontrollably. Please take the place next to your father- off of television.
Chumlee & Corey: You guys are idiots!
I just can't stand to watch you guys, or even bear the thought that other people watch you for scheduled hours at a time. It's not fair to subject people to your endless (sometimes scripted...?) bartering and childish 'test-runs' of merchandise. I'm sorry.
...............................
Alright, American Pickers (Mike and Frank), you guys are up. I think it's way cool that you think American culture and history should be preserved- I'm sure you guys probably aren't complaining about the publicity and the subsequent boost in business (yes, no, yes?). However, what it comes down to, is that you both do not belong on television. You use phrases like 'popping' in a way that I don't think is right.. (ie "that lamp just isn't popping for me," "I'm realling popping for that giant boot," "That sign is popping. Hard."). You talk to the camera like you're the most debonair guy on the planet and collecting other people's junk is as close to being a CEO of a billion-dollar company you can get without actually putting on a tie. So by all means, keep doing what you're doing, but just take it off-camera. Thank you, and I'm sorry.
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