Leonardo DiCaprio Causes Insomnia

Considering the year is 2011, after reading that title you're probably thinking "Oh look, this kid just watched Inception and he's even more confused than I am over that ending and now he's going to rant about it." If that's what you said to yourself, you're wrong. Dead wrong. Just like Leonardo. Except he was just dead. Dead in the water. Yep, I'm talking about Titanic and how watching it also ruined my chance of sleeping ever again.

That's what I get for sleeping over at my Grandma's and let her choose the movie. While for some, this may have been a powerful story of love transversing  all barriers such as social-class, death, and the ocean, however, there are only three things I got out of that movie:

1-Confusion over what it was I wasn't allowed to see while my grandma used one hand to cover my eyes and the other to fumble with the remote.

2-Worry over my grandma holding her breath for almost a minute along with Jack as he struggled to free himself from the law office.

3- UTTER AND COMPLETE FEAR OVER ICE-BERGS, DROWNING, BOATS, LARGE BODIES OF WATER, AND WET.

The next several months of my life were filled with urgent nighttime prayers offering the sincerest of supplications asking not to be drowned in my sleep. I'm not sure where in my young mind I reached the conclusion that I could possibly drown in my sleep on the second story of a house where the nearest body of water is a drying-up lake several miles away, but it was there and the idea held on like a parasite (reference to Inception completely intentional). I would lay awake at night periodically leaning over my bed to see if there was a rising water level I should be aware of. I even had an escape plan. Throw the emergency ladder out the window and somehow manage to get into the canoe downstairs.

The peak of this traumatic time in my life was reached when my family planned a vacation to Washington where we would take a CUSSING FERRY to Vancouver for a day. Yeah, you read that right, a ferry. As in something that goes out on a bottomless pit of drowning, suffering, and cold with an inevitable destiny to ram itself into an iceberg and slowly plummet to the bottom of the sea while the only saving grace is the strings quartet playing hymns on the upper deck. Hardly fair compensation for dying if you ask me. I feel it appropriate to mention that to this day my least favorite thing in this world is being cold and wet. There's obviously some unresolved psychological issues there.

That morning I awoke with what can only be described as 'raving anxiety' and repeated questions about whether or not there would be icebergs we'd be forced to dodge. As if the pilot of the boat was playing some version of the river-crossing game in the Oregon Trail game, and all that separated us from death was his ability to hit the left and right arrows in the correct sequence.

Somehow I survived the boat ride and managed to kill worry and time by eating a bite of nachos, being appalled at how spicy it was, running the length of the ferry to the drinking fountain, running back, and trying it all over again.

I'm obviously lucky to be the well-adjusted young man I am today.

Flannel. More than just fabric.

Since the birth of this great nation, there has been one fail-proof constant. In an ever-changing country in an ever-changing world, this alone has stood the test of time and always managed to come out on top. Where all else has been questioned, scrutinized, and sometimes dismissed, one thing has remained impervious to failure. You guessed it. Flannel.

Let's go all the way back; to when the United States of America was nothing more than a far-off dream, a glimmer in otherwise hollow eyes, an ideal that thousands were dying to defend. The location is valley forge, the general is none other than George Washington. He knows things are bad and when he goes out to pray there's one thing he takes with him. His flannel cap.

.............................................................

Not even one hundred years later and our nation is up against the ropes. We're Mr. Balboa, struggling family man, and the political tension is that crazy russian 'roid man straight out of Rocky IV. In the depths of one of our nation's darkest hours, we called on one man to bring us out of it. Abraham Lincoln. Like all great men, Honest Abe knew better than to lose his head in what may appear to be a crisis. While being subjected to ridicule and scorn, Mr. Lincoln kept his cool, sent a message to the opposition, and looked great doing it in this tasteful flannel shirt. I shudder to think what would have happened if he had just worn a suit to work that day...

..........................................

Zipping ahead a couple presidencies we have a true hero on our hands. Franklin D. Roosevelt. Overcoming polio and tough political waters, FDR would serve as president form 1933 to 1945. He led our nation through crippling (no pun intended) economic conditions, WWII, and started an incredible amount of government programs to help the common man, even suggesting a second bill of rights. However, as any good Roosevelt will tell you, never go outside without your flannel scarf. You could catch your death out there.

........................................

And so there you have it. Flannel through the ages. Great men, great style. There's just something about wearing flannel that does the soul good. To demonstrate this, I made what I believe to be a comprehensive list of Pros and Cons.

Pros:
-Flannel shirts traditionally come in plaid.
-There are pretty much an infinity of designs of plaid.
-Flannel shirts get softer the more you wear them. One of the few things that gets better with time. -Flannel shirts work miracles for your self-image, if I button up a good flannel shirt and avoid mirrors all day, I'm walking through life as George Clooney. Or Matt Damon. Or Brad Pitt. It's your choice!
-Flannel provides instant self-confidence! Try throwing on some plaid-from-on-high and not bossing around your inferiors all day. (In this context, inferiors refers to those who have not yet been indoctrinated into the flannel-family).
-I like flannel! That makes it cool, right!?

Cons:
...

Just because we can doesn't mean we should...

In the last few years there has been an explosion of documentary-type television programs. The idea of the shows aren't that creative- follow people around while they perform their jobs- but at the same time it is apparently captivating.

As I remember it, the first of these shows that I noticed was Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs. As the frontrunner of this 'genre' of television programming, I honestly think they should have stopped while they were ahead. I mean, what's not to like about Dirty Jobs? Mike Rowe is incredibly clever, every show is different, and what's not to like about a QVC-host/Opera singer?

This relative peace and calm was not to last however, and as TV producers are prone to do, they decided where one is good, more is better. This thought spawned shows such as Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, Axe Men, and Swamp People. (Please note I'm indiscriminantly jumping between the History Channel and the Discovery Channel). The greatest of these abominations both belong to the History Channel though...

Pawn Stars and American Pickers...

I just shivered a little. That's how much I detest the people who came up with the idea to put these people on camera, the crew who manage to live with themselves after knowingly facilitating the distribution of these shows, and most of all... the pickers and pawn stars themselves.

Alright, so there they are. No, I didn't know all their names off the top of my head but after about twenty minutes with google and Microsoft Paint, I'll be able to put some names to my complaints.

Let's start with Pawn Stars. First of all, let me start by saying that in no way do I oppose the business they've started or the way they've chosen to make money. HOWEVER, I am still unable to watch this show without my blood pressure rising, being overcome with rage, punching things, and sarcastically yelling at the TV despite my rational mind telling me that they can't hear me. To stay organized, I'll go through this person by person.

Old Man: Despite being a hundred you seem to have most of your faculties. You appreciate a good car. You don't take them young whipper-snappers' crap. You even purchased some cowboy dummies on a whim. Despite all of this, you really do complain a lot. You're probably entitled to it- heck, you've been in charge of things since Al Capone got locked up in Alcatraz, but I still can't understand a word you say. You're guttural moaning is incessant and bothersome, please stay off of television.

Rick: Alright, you've got a pretty cool name. If I were an action-adventure hero, not dissimilar to Indiana Jones or Dirk Pitt (the one from the Clive Cussler books, not Matthew McConaughey's theatrical portrayal), then I'd like to think my own name would be Rick, but it really comes down to one thing- your laugh. It's wheezy, it gives me heartburn, and it sneaks out of your esophagus all the freaking time! Whenever I hear that high-pitched-smoker-laugh I can't help but do my best to imitate you until I'm rolling on the floor coughing uncontrollably. Please take the place next to your father- off of television.

Chumlee & Corey: You guys are idiots!

I just can't stand to watch you guys, or even bear the thought that other people watch you for scheduled hours at a time. It's not fair to subject people to your endless (sometimes scripted...?) bartering and childish 'test-runs' of merchandise. I'm sorry.

...............................

Alright, American Pickers (Mike and Frank), you guys are up. I think it's way cool that you think American culture and history should be preserved- I'm sure you guys probably aren't complaining about the publicity and the subsequent boost in business (yes, no, yes?). However, what it comes down to, is that you both do not belong on television. You use phrases like 'popping' in a way that I don't think is right.. (ie "that lamp just isn't popping for me," "I'm realling popping for that giant boot," "That sign is popping. Hard."). You talk to the camera like you're the most debonair guy on the planet and collecting other people's junk is as close to being a CEO of a billion-dollar company you can get without actually putting on a tie. So by all means, keep doing what you're doing, but just take it off-camera. Thank you, and I'm sorry.